As children, our parents load us all up with commands about what to do or what not to do....
"Work hard"
"Don't be naughty"
"It's terrible to lie"
"Be good"
"Be my little princess"
Mostly, these messages are used in a positive way - to help us fit in, to guide us, or to help us look after ourselves.Sometimes, however, messages can be harmful. "Work hard" could be over done, and could lead to stress, high blood pressure or heart attacks.
There are five particular messages that play an important role in many of our lives. These are called Drivers, so-called because a child feels a compulsion to follow the messages.
Be Strong
Be Perfect
Try Hard
Please Others
Hurry Up
Most of us will carry a certain amount of these messages within us, but one (or maybe two) will have special significance to us.
Each of these Driver messages relate to how "OK" we might be....
Be Strong
I'm only OK if I disown my feelings and wants.
Be Perfect
I'm only OK if I get everything right (therefore I must cover every detail before I can finish anything).
Try Hard
I'm only OK if I keep trying hard (therefore I won't actually do what I am trying to do, otherwise I won't be trying hard to do it any more).
Please Others
I am only OK if I please other people.
Hurry Up
I'm only OK if I hurry up.
What I have found about Drivers is that most people are not consciously aware that they are operating until they are pointed out. Many people I have worked with have been shocked that they have been living their entire lives without any knowledge of the patterns they have been taught by parental messaging, since birth.
A very wise mentor of mine, Ann O'Sullivan always used to tell me :
"The more aware I become, the freer I am to choose."
This is especially relevant with Driver behaviour. Once we are aware of our Drivers, we can start to consider the opposite to that Driver. Some might call this an Allower. Ignoring Parental messages we received as a Child, we can make an Adult re-decision.....
Be Strong
It's OK to be open with your feelings, and to take care of your own needs.
Be Perfect
It's OK to be yourself!
Try Hard
It's OK to actually do it, and to complete it.
Please Others
It's OK to consider yourself, and to please yourself.
Hurry Up
It's OK to take your time.
Sounds easy! Well perhaps. But Drivers that have been operating as a pattern for decades can be very hard to unlearn. Psychotherapy is a great place to start. The process will allow you to discover many of the unconscious patterns operating and will allow you to start to make new choices.
Talking Works
If you would like to find out more, I would welcome a conversation with you.
All my contact links and social media links can be found here : www.talkingworjs.uk/tw
Or, why not book a FREE Zoom consultation with me at a time to suit you?
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I hope to speak with you soon!
Chris
